Do you often feel judged by your mate?   Does it feel like you’re walking on eggshells, never knowing what the next critical comment will be?   Are you feeling unjustly accused, blamed, hurt and angry?

When one is in a relationship with a critical mate, life can be very difficult.  It will be hard to feel emotionally safe enough to feel close  and loving,  because you’re on guard, anticipating the next dagger of criticism.   You might live in a state of perpetual anxiety, or you might find that your sex life is suffering.  Your self-esteem may be plummeting because you feel you can “never do anything right.”

Constant criticism, or belittling comments are terribly injurious to a relationship.  You know in your heart that this unkindness is not loving behavior.   If your partner — or perhaps parent or child — has constant complaints about you, you must stand up for yourself and get couples therapy to make your life better.  Life is hard enough, without having to deal with the blows to self-esteem from someone who says they love you.

Why do people criticize, or belittle others?  Sometimes, it’s because they are feeling inadequate themselves.  If an individual is very self-critical, it is much more likely that they will be critical of those close to them.  Belittling someone is a way to feel bigger, and stronger, and better.  Belittling often occurs when a person has diminished self-esteem, feels powerless in some aspect of his/her life, and needs to feel powerful.

Sometimes critical comments are the way a person expresses anger at something else. You’ve heard about the type of person who will have a hard day at work, but can’t express his/her anger in a professional setting — and then comes home and kicks the dog.  Well, in such a case, you may be the dog!   And since your mate knows you love him, and are not likely to leave him, you’re the easiest target around.

Other times, criticism or belittling occurs when a partner is actually angry at the mate, but hasn’t been successful at expressing that anger directly.  Perhaps that partner has difficulty with assertiveness, or asking for what he needs.  Maybe that partner feels hurt by the mate’s behavior, but doesn’t know how to express that hurt directly.  So the resentment and hurt stays locked up inside that person, but spills out into little “digs”, or criticisms which seem to come out of the blue.

When one partner is critical, both partners suffer.  The person who is criticized feels anxious, and hurt by the lack of emotional safety in the relationship.   Chances are, that person’s hurt is, in turn, being expressed in some manner, which is then also hurtful to the critical partner.  Couples Counseling Center of Los Angeles can help!