People often wonder what exactly is meant by the term “passive-aggressive.”  Basically, what it means is that an individual is expressing his, or her, resentment or anger (that is, “aggression”) in a quiet, or subtle, or indirect manner.

This is the way it works:   let’s say one of the partners is angry at the mate, yet does not express this anger directly.   Those feelings of resentment come out in some other way.   Maybe that person constantly arrives late, or doesn’t call home on time.   Or maybe that person never takes the trash out, no matter how many times the partner makes the request.   The mate’s requests for courtesy, or reasonable behavior, are simply ignored.   In other cases, the angry mate may not give the partner attention, or may not listen to them when they speak.

Oftentimes, the angry mate may appear to be “the nice one” in the relationship, the quiet and controlled one, to outsiders.  But the partner who is the recipient of passive-aggressive behavior is being “set up” by these hostile, insidious, and subtle, “non-behaviors”– and then that partner begins to look like he, or she, is “the crazy one.”

Sarcasm, or belittling, or criticism can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior.  Another manifestation of passive-aggressiveness may be avoidance of the mate and total immersion into other activities which do not include the partner, despite the partner’s requests for quality time.  Passive-aggressive behavior may take many forms.  The “fix” is couples therapy whereby the passive-aggressive mate learns how to express anger or resentment in an effortlessly direct, and constructive, fashion.

At Couples Counseling Center of Los Angeles, the passive-aggressive partner will begin to understand the negative contribution he, or she, makes to the relationship due to this passive-aggressive style of communication.  The recipient partner will no longer be looked at as “the crazy one.”   Non-behaviors can be just as powerful, and hostile, as outwardly aggressive behaviors.  Couples therapy will supply the emotional tools the couple needs.